What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Just for a laugh
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Guest
Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."
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Guest
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the
Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend
their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was
too risky. So they finally picked an old man named
Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to
represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to
lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to
the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very
much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came.
Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full
minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised
one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle
around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he
sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and
said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held
up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around
Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man
had done what all their scholars had insisted was
impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the
Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him
that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that
this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him
know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch
and I took out mine."
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the
Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend
their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was
too risky. So they finally picked an old man named
Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to
represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to
lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to
the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very
much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came.
Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full
minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised
one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle
around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he
sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and
said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held
up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around
Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man
had done what all their scholars had insisted was
impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the
Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him
that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that
this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him
know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch
and I took out mine."
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Guest
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to
talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that
be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then
offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well,
I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over
three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to
talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that
be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then
offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well,
I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over
three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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Guest
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Guest
Gender
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example…
1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example…
1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass-Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Guest
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Guest
Supervised Chinese Food
A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon, and other treif (non-kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer."Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws, and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" The rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?" Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?" Nods yes.
"Then, rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!"
A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon, and other treif (non-kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer."Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws, and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" The rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?" Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?" Nods yes.
"Then, rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!"
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Guest
The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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Guest
Heaven Can’t Wait
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Guest
Because I Said So!
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
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Guest
"Tater People"
Some people never seem motivated to participate,
but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with The way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do,
but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems
by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.
They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".
Thank you for being a Sweet Tater!
Some people never seem motivated to participate,
but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with The way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do,
but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems
by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.
They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".
Thank you for being a Sweet Tater!
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Guest
The Bored Man
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
Indian food
I just found out that Subway Sandwiches and Dunkin Donuts are not Indian foods; humm all this time I thought I was having Indian food! 
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Guest
Build Me a Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Guest
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them near your mother after I'm gone!"
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them near your mother after I'm gone!"
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Guest
Butcher Shop
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Ser
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Ser
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Guest
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
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Guest
Taking Faith Healing Too Far
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
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Guest
The Perfect Girl
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the
right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at
least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one
perfect girl.
The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the
right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for
me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the
right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at
least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one
perfect girl.
The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the
right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for
me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
-
Guest
The Poker Game
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
-
Guest
Three in a Tornado
A Wiccan, a Christian, and an atheist are walking casually down a street, talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner when they spot a tornado headed straight for them.
The Wiccan outstretches her arms to the sky and says frantically, "O Lord and Lady!"
The Christian falls hard to his knees, "O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me!"
The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh nooooooo!"
A Wiccan, a Christian, and an atheist are walking casually down a street, talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner when they spot a tornado headed straight for them.
The Wiccan outstretches her arms to the sky and says frantically, "O Lord and Lady!"
The Christian falls hard to his knees, "O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me!"
The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh nooooooo!"
-
Guest
A Pious Old Man
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
-
Guest
A Rabbi, a Minister and a Wiccan Priestess…
A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"
A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
-
Guest
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
***
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
***
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
-
Guest
My Evil Brother Was A Saint…
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
-
Guest
The Electrical Engineer
Three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from Holy Trinity College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens; They figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.
The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm an Electrical Engineer from, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."
God rest his soul
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from Holy Trinity College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens; They figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.
The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm an Electrical Engineer from, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."
God rest his soul
-
Guest
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.